


We're Built on Trust

by ryoflame



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Casual Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Gift Exchange, M/M, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Tokyo Ghoul: re, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-03-02 14:32:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2815547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryoflame/pseuds/ryoflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Quinx squad are forced to go on a mountain retreat in order to build team spirit and cooperation, Sasaki finds himself frustrated by the way they clash amongst themselves. There are places he can go to get away from the infighting, and when he does he runs into a stranger who doesn't feel like such a stranger at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LMC](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LMC/gifts).



> For LMC/ekaitz who is an inspiration with their beautiful TG art. I tried to fit as many of your prompts into this as I could!

'This is ridiculous.'

Sasaki maintains his stern face but it's difficult when the rest of his team are staring at him with mixed levels of disdain. Even Mutsuki, who Sasaki can always rely on for support, is looking downcast. Urie was the one who had spoken, and Sasaki fixes him with a perplexed look that does nothing to shake the unapologetic chagrin on the youth's face.

The group is standing in a cosy cabin made up mostly of polished wood panelling and a secluded, country air about it. Set in one wall is a generous fireplace with an open fire already crackling within, and over the flames they can hear the wind howling outside.

It wasn't that Sasaki thought the retreat was a particularly _good_ idea—far from it, he had actually gone to Akira after it had been forced upon them and told her all the reasons it was an absolutely _terrible_ idea—but unfortunately the higher-ups had insisted upon it and now that they are stuck with the situation as it is, Sasaki is determined to make the most of it. He is at least ninety percent sure that other factions within the CCG had suggested this to get the group out of the way for a week, thinly veiling it as a team-building exercise, but that doesn't mean he'll give them the satisfaction of having his group not talk to each other for a week in a cabin in the mountains as supposed to having them not talk for a week in the middle of Tokyo.

'Say what you want, but we're here.' Sasaki says firmly. That in itself was a miracle that had given him hope; rounding up the group and piling them onto the bus up to the cabin had not been an easy task by any means, but it hadn't been an impossible one either. 'They want us to learn to get along and that's what we're going to do.'

From over on the couch, Saiko laughs briskly. 'Aiiie, Sasaki... how long have you been living with us now? Have you _seen_ these guys?'

Sasaki turns his stern look on her and she falls silent but is still smiling and shrugs her shoulders. She'd already stated previously that she didn't care where they went, but that she would be staying in the cabin with her games regardless of what everyone else was going to do.

'U-Um,' Mutsuki speaks up, sounding nervous in the obviously tense atmosphere. 'What rooms are we staying in...?'

'Shirazu, Urie, you guys will be in one room.' Sasaki points down the hall. 'Mutsuki and Saiko, you'll be staying in another.'

'And I suppose you get to have your own space again.' Urie replies snidely, his arms crossed over his chest.

'Yes.' Sasaki says without missing a beat. 'Do you have an issue with that, Urie?'

Urie says nothing but his jaw clenches. Sasaki feels an invisible weight slowly pressing down on his shoulders—dealing with Urie is always _exhausting_. Not only does he directly challenge Sasaki on almost every decision he makes, but he doesn't show a shred of respect for anyone else in the group. Sasaki wouldn't have been surprised if Urie had been the sole reason they were even here.

'Good.' it's perhaps said a little more vindictively than he had intended, but after an incredibly long bus trip that's left him emotionally exhausted, Sasaki is almost beyond caring. 'Now as you all know, the cabin's just one part of the mountainside resort. During the day you're free to go wandering about; there's skiing and snowboarding available, you only have to inquire about it at the office. There's also a communal building further up with some places you can get food and where you can also buy any basic amenities you might need. I believe there's also a bar-café there which I know _I'll_ be visiting later. Just be sure to be back here in the evenings; this isn't a holiday, it's a chance to do some recreational things together and grow closer, so staying out on your own kind of defeats the purpose.'

Urie looks him dead in the eye, then pointedly turns and walks down to the hall to the bedroom door Sasaki had indicated earlier, disappearing through it and slamming it shut behind him. Mutsuki and Shirazu glance nervously at Sasaki but he just sighs.

'We arrived late.' he says quietly. 'Don't feel pressured to head anywhere right now. It's really cold out there so maybe it might be nice to just settle in and unpack the stuff you guys brought with you yeah? I'm pretty tired, so... I'm going to rest.'

As he heads off to his designated room he hears Mutsuki call out good-night to him and Shirazu and Saiko squabbling about whether or not Shirazu is allowed in their room for a little while so he can avoid having to share space with Urie.

Sasaki wonders for the hundredth time why anyone thought it would be a good idea to put him in charge of the group of young investigators. On paper, yes, it all looks very logical but as much as he cracks jokes about the group being his kids Sasaki is often made painfully aware that he really isn't much older than they are, not to mention that his murky past, of which he remembers next to nothing. He often feels horribly unqualified for the responsibility he's placed on him and his current situation only brings that back up to the surface.

He lays on his bed, still fully clothed and quietly gazes up at the ceiling in the darkened room. Share a mountain cabin with the rest of the group, get to know one another, bond a little and ultimately work better as a team in their missions with the CCG—it's definitely an understandable plan and Sasaki knows they're not the first investigators who have been off on team-building trips, but he has to wonder if the higher-ups realise just how drastically different everyone in this particular group is.

He loses himself in his thoughts but his eyes remain wide-open; sleep doesn't come. He's exhausted but it's a deep, mental sort of exhaustion that somehow doesn't reach him physically. Sitting up with a sigh, tired of listening to the clock on the wall ticking the night away, he grabs his coat from the hook and slings it on.

* * *

The main building of the resort emulates the same sort of old-fashioned mountain-cabin atmosphere as each of the individual cabins holidaymakers are able to rent, but on a much larger scale. The building is large, with the lower floor taken up by little hole-in-the-wall shops and noodle bars, while a trip up to the second level brings visitors into a wide open space with a bar at its centre and comfortable seating around tables for those who just want a bit of a rest.

One of the walls is inset with large windows, looking out across a mountain view that would be beautiful on a clear day but that is dark and mostly curtained off at night. Several hearths house fires that bring a warm glow to the interior, further added to by lamps that have been dimmed to a cosy, intimate atmosphere. Over in one corner of the room stands a tall, beautifully decorated Christmas tree with decorative gifts scattered at its base.

By the time Sasaki makes it through the biting wind, up the winding path that is way too steep for his liking his teeth are chattering and his hands are gripped tight into the front of his jacket—his warmest jacket, yet still not warm enough for the face of a mountain at night.

'Welcome, sir.' the bartender greets him politely. 'Can I get you anything?'

'C-Coffee.' Sasaki manages to stammer. 'Black, please. No sugar.'

As the bartender moves to the coffee machine, Sasaki warms himself by one of the fires and looks around. There are a few people sharing the comfortable space; a small group over in one corner and a few couples seated together, holding hands or cuddling in the dim light. Over by one of the fires sits a lone man in an armchair, reading a book.

It's a nice place, Sasaki thinks to himself as he pays for his coffee. He knows during the day they serve food as well, and he thinks they'll all have to eat together at some point, even if it's just the one time. The thought of trying to get his uncooperative group to do anything together brings that same sombreness back and he sighs deeply as he takes a seat in one of the armchairs provided, wrapping his hands tight around the coffee cup to warm them.

He honestly doesn't believe they are a lost cause. But when the members of his group are so unruly, so prone to antagonising one another—with perhaps the exception of Mutsuki who seems to get as distraught about it all as he does—it becomes a mammoth task to keep them out of trouble.

Despite the unwillingness of the group and Sasaki's own misgivings about the trip, he had hoped that perhaps it wouldn't be impossible to build up a bit of rapport between them. But with resistance from them every step of the way, how long was he going to be able to deal with them before he just... gave up?

' _Excusez moi_.'

Startled out of his thoughts, Sasaki looks up to find a man standing over him and recognises him as the man who had been sitting along across on the other side of the room. The book he had been reading is tucked under his arm and in the firelight Sasaki recognises the author's name as Manuel Puig, and the book as _Kiss of the Spider Woman_ , a classic he had yet to read himself but had heard a lot about.

'Can I help you?'

'Perhaps.' the man smiled. 'Or perhaps I'm simply nosy, and wanted to point out that you look quite troubled sitting here by yourself with a death-grip on your coffee cup.' he indicates the cup and Sasaki realises a lot of the heat has gone out of it. Once again it seems time has gotten away from him while he had been lost in thought.

He smiles awkwardly at the stranger and puts the cup down. 'Oh. Is it really obvious?'

The man touches the centre of his own forehead and smiles, giving him a friendly wink. 'You'll get wrinkles here if you keep pulling that face. May I...?' he motions to the chair opposite Sasaki's and the investigator shrugs amiably.

'Are you travelling alone?' Sasaki asks for the sake of polite conversation. It's not something he's often in the mood for, but for once he's grateful for the distraction. The man seems nice, too... kind and genuine. His clothes are neat though they don't seem warm enough for the weather outside—a long-sleeved shirt with a sweater-vest over the top, and pants tailored perfectly to long, slim legs. For a moment Sasaki finds himself staring, then looks away, embarrassed.

' _Oui_.' the stranger sets his own steaming cup of coffee down on the little table between the two armchairs as he takes a seat, and Sasaki can't help but wonder at the foreign words, though he finds it impolite to ask just yet. 'Solitude is nice sometimes when the bustle of the city becomes too loud. It's nice to get away and isolate oneself for while, sometimes.'

'And there's nothing more isolating than being up in the mountains, right?' Sasaki laughs weakly, remembering that the mountain retreat had been the chosen spot for the ridiculous team-building exercise for exactly that reason.

'Correct.' The stranger laughs. 'And you?'

'I'm here with... work colleagues.' Sasaki answers bleakly. The word 'friends' had sat on the tip of his tongue but he'd swallowed it at the last second. 'We're supposed to be using the opportunity to get closer, and by that extension to work harder back in the city, but...' he trails off, wondering why he's even telling this man and realising it must have been weighing a lot heavier on him than he'd initially thought. With only the members of his squad to talk to and obviously not being able to share his problems with them, it feels good to unload a little, even to a perfect stranger.

'Not going as you'd hoped?' the man arches a brow and takes a sip of his coffee.

'Well we only just arrived today. But it'd take a miracle to bring this group together.' he sighs and sips at his own lukewarm coffee, screwing up his nose at it and wishing he hadn't let it cool down. 'I'm supposed to lead a bunch of team-building activities but one of them actively dislikes me, another refuses to even leave the cabin...' he waves a hand and forces a smile. 'Sorry, you don't need to know all this.'

' _Mais non_ , let it all out. Holidays are supposed to help you relax, and to relax you need to let go of your stress. How long will you be staying? Do you think by the end of it you'll have had some luck unifying your team?'

'At this stage? I don't know. We're supposed to be here for five days—in the place of a normal working week—but at least two of them are sulking about even coming. I feel like a father with unruly children.'

The stranger chuckles and it's a low, rich sound that vibrates right down to Sasaki's core. For a moment he freezes in his seat, feeling the skin at the back of his neck prickle, but in the next instant the feeling is gone. Rubbing idly at the back of his neck and frowning slightly he wonders if it had been his imagination.

'You're pretty easy to talk to.' he says with another awkward, slightly forced laugh. He can't shake the feeling that something is wrong, that there's something here he isn't seeing, isn't noticing. But his words, at least, are the truth—he had never anticipated he'd spill all his discomfort out to a stranger he'd never seen before and yet here he is, unburdening himself.

It feels good, like some of the weight is lifting from him.

'Perhaps it's because we knew each other in a past life.' the man says, before leaning in and holding out his hand. 'Tsukiyama Shuu. I will be here for the next week as well, and I like to spend my evenings reading here instead of in my own cabin, so if you need respite from your unruly children feel free to come and see me. Everyone needs an attentive ear every now and again.'

Sasaki takes the man's hand and shakes it slowly, wondering about the other's strange choice of words and yet somehow not finding fault with them. 'Sasaki Haise. I appreciate that.' he points to the book in the other's lap. 'Is it good?'

Tsukiyama looks surprised. 'You haven't read it?'

'No... I've been meaning to.'

He holds it out to Sasaki and smiles. 'Here, take it. It's not a very long read and it's my second time going through it. I have other books, you should borrow this one while you can.'

Sasaki wards off the offered book with his hands, looking flustered. 'Ah no, I couldn't... you should hold onto it. We might miss each other and I mightn't get the opportunity to give it back to you.'

'Really, I insist.' Tsukiyama presses the novel into the investigator's hands and closes Sasaki's fingers around it. His hands are warm, with soft skin and long fingers that seem to touch him with more intimacy than the sturdy grip of the earlier handshake and Sasaki draws his own hands back quickly, realising too late he's clutching the other's book. 'I'd love to discuss it with you when you're done. You seem to know your authors and that's rare.'

'I... okay. Thank you.' What else can he say, really?

Tsukiyama stands, bowing a little theatrically. 'It was nice to meet you, Sasaki. On the one hand I hope your group don't drive you mad, but on the other hand I hope we have a reason to talk again. It's nice to have someone to talk to, even if I originally set out to travel alone.'

'Likewise. Meeting you, I mean. It's nice to have met you.' Sasaki could kick himself for the incoherency of his words. In light of Tsukiyama's eloquence he feels downright foolish. 'We'll definitely talk again, I have to return your book to you before we leave.'

'Ah, of course.' Tsukiyama smiles at him again. 'Enjoy the rest of your evening.'

Sasaki thanks him, and just like that the man is gone, leaving the investigator with that same creeping sensation that there's something about Tsukiyama that makes him more than just a stranger passing in the night.

 


	2. Day 2

‘No.’ Urie’s glare is colder than the winter air outside and Sasaki steels himself against it.

‘The point of all this,’ he says patiently, ‘Is to make us all get along. I know you want nothing more than to get out of here and get as far away from the rest of us as possible but before you get to do that, every morning we’re going to play a game to help achieve that goal.’

‘Stop treating us like we’re children.’

‘Maybe if you didn’t _act_ like children I wouldn’t have to!’

Around the room, collective jaws drop. Shirazu and Mutsuki exchange a glance and Saiko looks like Christmas has come early for her. Urie looks like he’s just been hit in the face.

Sasaki uses the opportunity of stunned silence to keep talking, addressing all of them. ‘Part of the rules of this retreat was that we had to do a different activity every morning to build up teamwork. They gave me a list of little, sort of… games to play together to help that. They shouldn’t take any longer than half an hour, so after that you guys are free to go off and explore, go skiing or whatever you like.’

‘I wanna go snowboarding.’ Shirazu says with his usual shark’s grin and Sasaki manages to smile back at him while desperately hoping that they’ll all be able to get through this without strangling each other.

He’d woken early that morning with dread in his stomach; he had honestly wanted to do this as little as the rest of them, although perhaps for different reasons. He’d picked up the book the man from the night before had loaned him and had opened it to the first page, beginning to read to get his mind off it until he began to hear tell-tale signs that other people were up.

And now here they were.

‘In the first activity,’ Sasaki reads aloud from the notebook he’s holding. ‘You sit toe to toe with a partner, take hold of one another’s hands and have to pull one another to your feet. Mutsuki, can I demonstrate with you?

The two of them sit down on the floor, knees bent and toes touching. They grab hold of each other’s hands and on the count of three, both pull at the same time as they try to balance their weight in such a way that they can pull each other to their feet at the same time. Sasaki grimaces as he accidentally lets go of one of Mutsuki’s hands and they both land hard on the ground again. ‘Ow—! Okay that’s… that’s a lot harder than it actually sounded. But it’s possible with patience and with teamwork and you’re all going to do it with one another. Mutsuki, Shirazu, you two start off together. Urie, Saiko, you two as well. We’ll go in rotation.’

Quite frankly, it’s a disaster.

Shirazu’s strength outdoes Mutsuki’s by a leap and he accidentally ends up yanking the smaller boy so hard that Mutsuki topples forward onto him, sending them both into a tangled heap on the floor from which they hurry to free themselves amidst mumbled apologies. Urie flat out refuses to even sit down until he realises that Sasaki is serious about them not going anywhere until this is over with and even then it takes him forever to allow Saiko to take hold of his hands. Saiko tells him to man up and Urie only shuts down even further.

By the time they have to switch partners, Mutsuki and Shirazu are bolstered by a successful attempt after several tries and actually look like they’re having fun. Mutsuki has Saiko as his next partner and the two of them cooperate well so they actually only have to try a couple of times to balance their strength before they manage it.

Shirazu and Urie get about halfway up before Shirazu grins at him and intentionally lets go so Urie falls back onto the floor in an undignified heap and Sasaki has to intervene before it descends into a full-on brawl.

What should have been a simple activity of a few minutes ends up being something a lot longer and significantly more complicated than it should have been. Shirazu and Urie do finally manage to complete the challenge after several minutes more of pointless squabbling, and they switch again. The final pairs are Saiko with Shirazu and Mutsuki with Urie; Mutsuki meekly holds out his hands to the other boy and Urie takes them with the obvious enthusiasm of someone who wants to get out of here as soon as possible. That eagerness nearly sends Mutsuki sprawling again but by this time everyone’s gotten the hang of it quite well and Saiko and Shirazu manager it in one turn while it takes the other two only a couple of tries to get it right.

By the end of it Urie is red-faced, Saiko is looking quietly pleased with herself, Mutsuki is looking quite proud of their achievements and Shirazu looks bored. Sasaki regards the group with a small frown. ‘Was that really, _honestly_ so difficult?’

The group collectively shuffles their feet and says nothing; of course they know the correct answer to the question is ‘no’ but none of them want to openly admit it because admitting it would be admitting that complaining about it and causing a fuss in any way was silly and pointless.

Sasaki sighs and waves a dismissive hand. ‘Go on, have the rest of the day to yourselves.’

They scatter almost instantly, Urie legging it briskly to his room, Shirazu talking excitedly about snowboarding to Mutsuki who looks uncertain but interested. Saiko keeps her seat on the couch and Sasaki realises she’s watching him carefully.

‘You’re not going to be joining us in these activities?’ she asks him with an interested smile as she takes a piece of pink bubblegum from her pocket and pops it into her mouth.

Sasaki offers her a weak one of his own in return. ‘I’ve been told the issue lies in… certain people more than others. I’m not really required to participate.’

‘Well, that’s fair enough.’ she shrugs, pulling her hand-held console from her jacket pocket and grabbing a neatly folded blanket from the corner of the couch to snuggle under as she switches it on. ‘But you might want to consider it. Some people might be the problem, but how are they going to get on well with you if they have no reason to think you’d ever get on at all?’

Sasaki stares at her for a long moment, at a loss as to what to say. The only thing he can think is that when one spends the majority of their time quietly doing their own thing at home, perhaps they’re not quite as oblivious of their surroundings as people might think.

‘Are you staying here all day?’

‘I plan on staying here all _week_.’ she says with a short chuckle.

So far Sasaki hasn’t done anything to discourage her shut-in lifestyle and he decides not to start now. ‘Alright. Enjoy the fire, I’m going to go out for a bit. If Urie sticks around, try not to antagonise him _too_ much, okay?’

‘I can’t make any promises.’ Saiko blows a bubble with her gum, impressively large, and Sasaki leaves her to it feeling troubled for a reason he can‘t explain.

* * *

The common room looks different during the day. The wind has settled outside and without the flurries of snow the view out across the resort is lovely. The cabins are dotted here and there along the slope, in amongst trees, but with their roofs covered in a fluffy white layer of overnight snow it’s almost impossible to see them unless you look really carefully.

Sasaki stands at the windows and stares out across the landscape; white as far as the eye can see with only a few small details breaking the expanse. More snow had fallen during the night than he’d thought it had and the trek up to this building had been surprisingly difficult. The cuffs of his pants are cold and wet against his legs, his shoes are only a small step above completely useless and he idly wonders if the resort has some boots he can borrow.

When it becomes too bright to keep looking outside he turns away, blinking the spots from his eyes. He finds his gaze wandering to an armchair across the room but this morning it’s empty, devoid of the man who had sat there last night with a book in his lap and Sasaki is surprised to find himself a little disappointed. _I don’t know what you were expecting,_ he thinks to himself, _he says he comes by in the evenings to read and it’s barely ten in the morning._ That said the room itself is significantly more crowded, with families and couples occupying most of the tables and chairs, some taking advantage of the breakfast menu to feed themselves or their noisy children for another day of energetic fun.

Sighing, he looks at the book in his hands, at the bookmark he’s placed between the pages. As the man at the bar catches his attention and asks him if he’d like a cup of coffee Sasaki nods politely and thinks that it might not be so bad to use the free time he’s been given to actually relax a little, to enjoy some time away from the others. They live together in close quarters, and even now with Saiko—and perhaps Urie—in the cabin, no one could fault him for slipping away somewhere on his own.

But this place is too crowded now, a far cry from the relaxing surroundings it had been the night before, and with his reason for coming here notably absent, Sasaki takes his coffee to go.

He has no real destination in mind and instead wanders the grounds of the resort, exploring his options. It offers anything from winter-sport activities, to child-friendly group activities, to lessons for those wanting to learn how to ski or snowboard for the first time. Equipment is available for hire and regulars of the resort are easy to spot in their own brightly coloured gear which stands out like neon lights compared to the worn hire equipment. While it’s an enjoyable enough place in its own right, Sasaki quietly mourns the lack of his usual park bench; there _are_ places to sit, but they’re mostly for parents keeping an eye on their children as they toboggan or frolic in the snow, and it’s honestly far too cold to sit outside for extended periods of time without several layers of clothing. Not the most convenient for someone looking to read quietly.

He’s resigning himself to the fact he’ll probably return to the cabin after all, when he spots the handsome man from the night before.

Sasaki is moving down the hill and Tsukiyama is coming up it, and after a couple more paces the man looks up and sees him, surprise crossing his features before giving way to a warm smile. He comes to a halt, letting Sasaki close the distance between them.

‘You look less troubled today.’ Tsukiyama tilts his head slightly, still smiling.

‘Really? I don’t feel it.’ Sasaki laughs, jamming his hands deeper into his coat pockets and feeling self-conscious about his appearance; the other’s jacket is made of wool in a dark, rich red which stands out bright against the white backdrop and Sasaki thinks it probably costs more than several of his own outfits put together. ‘The children are unruly.’

‘But you’re not playing guardian today?’

‘No, I made them do what they had to and then let them scatter. I think I’d like to get a little bit out of this holiday.’

‘That’s fair, I think.’ Tsukiyama’s gaze wanders to the book tucked under Sasaki’s arm and the smile broadens as he sees the bookmark. ‘You’ve started on Puig’s book?’

‘Oh. Yes!’ Sasaki holds the book up. ‘Although I didn’t get very far, just a little morning reading in bed before everyone woke up. It’s very interesting how it’s entirely dialogue, I didn’t know that before I began it. There’s no descriptive passages at all unless it's being discussed, you really have to take in the characters’ words to imagine the setting. I’ve never read anything like it before.’

Tsukiyama nods along to his words. ‘Nice, though, isn’t it? You have to picture it all on limited information. I think perhaps every reader of the book would imagine it just a _little_ differently to the last.’ he huffs out a soft breath which puffs a cloud of condensation in the air. ‘Sasaki, wasn’t it? I’d love to talk more but it’s awfully cold out, shall we go up to the main café?’

‘It’s very crowded there.’ Sasaki grimaces slightly, tucking the book back under his arm and returning his hands to the warmth of his pockets. It _is_ cold. ‘The coffee is good—I had one already this morning—but there’s a lot of families during the day. Plus it’s getting close to lunch now, I imagine it won’t be the nicest or quietest place for conversation. But perhaps in the evening?’

A peculiar expression crosses Tsukiyama’s face for a moment and when the man appears to be bashful Sasaki thinks that the look suits him. He likes the way Tsukiyama's gaze drops down and aside, distracting Sasaki with the long lashes that frame them, and he thinks—although it may just be his imagination—that the colour on his cheeks isn't entirely from the cold.

'If it isn't too strange and forward... we could go back to my cabin? I'm staying alone, so there's no noise, no unwanted company. It's a private cabin, my family owns it, and I have my own little coffee machine in there. It isn't as nice as the kind they make up at the lodge but it does well, in a pinch.'

It _is_ strange and forward. Or at least, it should be. By all _rights_ it should be... and yet Sasaki feels like he's being asked by a close friend to stop in at their place for a catch-up, not as though he's being invited in to the personal space of a man he had met less than twenty-four hours ago.

'Sure.' he says, surprising even himself. 'Why not?'

* * *

Tsukiyama's cabin is a far cry from the little one that the five investigators are sharing. Sasaki is almost certain that at least half of their own little cabin might fit into the space set aside for the bedroom in Tsukiyama's. He stands just inside the doorway and gapes at his surroundings.

The place is decorated in the style of a stereotypical hunting cabin; a stag head with impressive antlers is mounted on the wall, and there are photos in frames of people—presumably family members—holding rifles, trophies, or simply rugged up in clothing combating the cold of their surroundings. The seats by the fireplace had decorative furs draped over their backs and a lush rug on the floor keeps the heat in.

'This is... um.'

'Grand?' Tsukiyama unravels his scarf from around his neck and hangs it on a hook by the door.

 _Grand_ hadn't been the word Sasaki had been thinking of. Unnecessary, perhaps. Too much. The lavish space makes him feel uncomfortable, it feels too big and he wishes for the first time that he was back in his own cabin sharing the space with Saiko and her video game, or Urie and his foul temper. It's like seeing this place that Sasaki so obviously doesn't belong in snaps him out of the hypnotic trance that had convinced him to come here in the first place and he turns around to come face-to-face with the other who is... standing rather close.

'You know, maybe I shouldn't.' he smiles awkwardly. 'It doesn't feel right to intrude on your time and your space like this. We can see one another later tonight for discussion, surely.'

Tsukiyama is gazing down at him through half-lidded eyes. His hands are at his sides, though slightly raised as though he had been about to reach for something, and Sasaki feels a quick flash of alarm; something feels off. That tingling at the base of his skull is back, that warning prickle that he can't identify and he takes a short, quick step back.

In an instant the tension dissolves with Tsukiyama's look of surprise as the man reaches up and unbuttons his red coat, thumbing each of them open with efficiency and shrugging it off his shoulders before hanging it up with the scarf. Yet Sasaki can't shake a feeling of deja vu, a feeling that he's stepped into the lion's den and that the lion is standing between him and the way out.

'At least let me make you a coffee. You're here now, you may as well.' he smile is so utterly charming that Sasaki feels a little dizzy as he tries to figure out his feelings, tries to sort out his instincts as they tell him to run, _run_ and yet that doesn't feel right either.

'Who _are_ you?' the words are out before he can stop them.

Tsukiyama doesn't look surprised or offended, which would have been Sasaki's first guess. In fact he almost looks like he had been expecting the question and reaches into his back pocket to fish out a business card, printed neatly with the kanji of his family name. 'Here. The name might be familiar to you because of our influence with several businesses in Tokyo. Has it been bothering you?'

As Sasaki takes the card and looks at the name he realises it does seem familiar in that sense. He vaguely remembers hearing it in passing conversation at the CCG. Is that what's causing this strange sense that he knows the other from somewhere...?

He pockets the card and wishes for whatever internal conflict he's having to pass. He doesn't understand what's causing it, but in the face of Tsukiyama's kind smile and the beautiful, rich cabin he's standing in he does know that it's ruining what could otherwise be a very pleasant afternoon. So he does what he's always done when the voice at the back of his mind begins to speak louder than he'd like it to. He forces it to be silent.

'One cup of coffee, then. I don't want to intrude too long.'

'You're not intruding, you're keeping a lonely man company.'

'I thought you liked to travel alone? To get away?'

Tsukiyama only smiles in response and indicates that he'll take Sasaki's coat which the other allows after only a moment's hesitation, watching as it's hung up on the hook beside the red woollen one. He indicates for Sasaki to take a seat in one of the armchairs, and once the investigator does he takes a seat in the other one, crossing one leg over the other and resting comfortably back, the polar opposite to Sasaki's awkward, stiff-backed posture.

'I'll make the coffee in a moment but I'm so curious. Do you like the characters so far? And which of them do you empathise with?'

Sasaki considers this. 'I'm not very far into the book, but based on personalities alone I quite like Molina, a man who is able to ignore the ugliness of the world and instead sees beauty and tries to share it with the other man, Valentin.' he smiles slightly. 'Valentin is very brash. He's very set in his ways.' he laughs. 'He reminds me a little of one of my team members, actually. But perhaps for that reason I prefer Molina, I prefer to see the beauty in the world.'

Tsukiyama looks very interested, hanging onto Sasaki's ever word and nodding along. 'But Molina sees that beauty not by making the ugliness beautiful, but by pretending the ugliness doesn't exist, instead choosing to lose himself in a fantasy, pretending that it will all be okay if he only _believes hard enough that it will._ Do you think that is a healthy approach to a problem?'

Sasaki shifts uncomfortably. 'Well... when you put it that way... but I mean, I haven't read very far yet. I have yet to make up my mind about Valentin and whether his goal is a noble one or not. For now Molina's approach on life is more endearing.'

Tsukiyama nods slowly, considering this. 'But you're enjoying the book?'

'Oh, very much!'

' _C'est bon!_ '

The longer they talk, the more Sasaki relaxes. Before long he's lounging comfortably back in the armchair as he speaks animatedly about each of the people in his team; about Saiko's unwillingness to leave her room most of the time, about Shirazu's loud personality and the way it clashes with Urie's. He has no complaints about Mutsuki, only lamenting that the boy is too sweet to be involved in this line of work and that he wishes he could do more for him.

'I feel like I know them very well by now.' Tsukiyama says with a smile as he hands Sasaki a freshly made cup of coffee. By now the investigator is so relaxed and comfortable that he worries he might even doze off in the expensive armchair if he isn't careful. He takes the coffee and sips it gratefully. 'They sound lovely. Perhaps one day I'll get to meet them.'

'I hope so.' Sasaki says with complete honesty.

It's only much later as the hours wear on and he leaves the cabin much later than he had initially intended with a goodbye and an unusually intimate touch of Tsukiyama's hand against his arm that Sasaki realises that as much as the man had managed to learn from him in a single afternoon, he had not managed to learn a single thing about Tsukiyama in turn.

 


	3. Day 3

'Sassan!'

Shirazu's abrupt call of his name snaps Sasaki back to attention. He blinks at the group and shuffles through his notes, clearing his throat nervously. 'Uh... sorry about that.'

'Were ya daydreaming or something?' Shirazu's grinning up at Sasaki from his place on the couch. 'Or dozing off? Didn't get enough sleep last night, Sassan?'

Sasaki smiles back at him, chuckling self-consciously. 'I was reading a very good book.' he replies with a shrug. 'I didn't want to stop. I think I ended up staying awake a bit too late, but I think it was worth it.' he sighs and finds the plan for the day, skimming it with his eyes. His heart sinks again and he wishes for the hundredth time that he didn't have the obligation of making the group do these activities. 'Oh boy.'

'"Oh boy"?' Mutsuki echoes, looking concerned.

Running a hand restlessly through his hair, Sasaki draws a short deep breath and reads from the notebook. 'Amongst other things the lodge has a sticker-photo machine. Today's activity is to go into the booth as a group and take a set of photos. Also as a group, edit and decorate the photos together and split the printouts between you.'

'You have _got_ to be kidding.' Urie sounds absolutely incensed.

Sasaki thinks that Mutsuki might actually look a little excited at the prospect but the rest of the team looks generally unimpressed. He shoots them a pleading look. 'It won't take long, let's just get it over and done with.'

'You know literally everyone at head office is laughing at us, right?' Urie says edgily.

'Sticker-photos are fun!' Mutsuki interjects, much to Sasaki's surprise. He had been preparing himself to head into another argument, but as the younger investigator interrupts he feels some of that tension fizzle from the air. 'Who knows, you might actually enjoy yourselves. Shirazu...!' he reaches over, taking a hold of the other's sleeve and tugging insistently at it to get him up off the couch. He does so with little resistance. 'Shirazu, let's go! Have you ever done this before?'

Shirazu looks flustered at suddenly being the focus of attention. 'I... no... I mean I've seen them, but...'

'I think you'll like them.' Mutsuki leans up and whispers something into Shirazu's ear that produces a bark of laughter from the other and a glance over at Urie. Sasaki doesn't even want to try to hazard a guess as to what they might be thinking, but he's glad at least to see that both Saiko and Shirazu seem bolstered by Mutsuki's enthusiasm.

Still, the trip up the slope feels like the longest walk Sasaki's ever had to make. For once it isn't Urie who offers the most resistance but Saiko, who insists that she had said right from the start she wouldn't leave the cabin and who fights tooth and nail against being convinced to join them. Eventually Sasaki resorts to bribery, quietly telling her that he'll buy her sweets from the café if she joins them just _this once_.

The photo booth is on the lower floor near some of the small stores the lodge has to offer and the first thing that Sasaki notices is that the damn thing looks like it was designed to fit maybe two people at most, not _five_. He looks perplexed for a moment, the rest of the group standing just behind him and obviously considering the same problem as they look at the curtained off booth with equal uncertainty.

'Well. Let's do this.' Mutsuki steps forward and Sasaki is again surprised by the young man's enthusiasm. Mutsuki glances back at him and shoots him a small, encouraging smile and Sasaki wonders if all these little activities might not be entirely pointless after all.

He's honestly surprised no one gets murdered.

The booth is a tight squeeze for three people, fitting five in requires an amount of effort bordering on the uncomfortable. Mutsuki, who had been so eager to get into this activity just before looks the most uncomfortable, crossing his arms defensively over his chest and huddling up as small as possible. When Shirazu slips in beside him and tugs him close with an arm around his waist, grinning down at him, Mutsuki seems to settle a little with a faint smile.

Sasaki squeezes in beside them, slipping coins into the machine and Saiko pushes to the front but while doing so she takes a death grip on Urie's sleeve and yanks him in after her. He's so surprised by the action that he trips over his own feet and essentially falls onto everyone else.

The booth takes a photo, the flash temporarily blinding everyone.

As it counts down to the next photo, everyone scrambles to get into some sort of decent position, Urie grimacing as he tries to manoeuvre himself upright. With the incredibly limited amount of space offered they're still pressed awkwardly together when the flash goes off for a second time, but at least they're all upright and facing the camera.

By the time it's counting down to the third and final photo, awkward as the enclosed space is, everyone seems to have found a position that they're comfortable in. Shirazu puts two fingers up behind Mutsuki's head like rabbit ears and Saiko sticks her tongue out at the camera. Sasaki is glancing sideways at them with a fond smile and is startled when the camera goes off again.

The screen blinks at them, telling them to go around to the editing screen on the outside of the booth and they tumble out from it like clowns squeezed into a clown car

Mutsuki is excited again, chatting animatedly with Shirazu as they stand by the editing panel and wait for their photos to show up on screen. When they do, he points at all the buttons on screen and explains what they all do, shows how they can all draw on it. Saiko has squeezed herself in beside them and is also listening intently, while Urie hangs around in the back though Sasaki catches him peering over their shoulders every so often. They take turns pasting little sticker shapes onto the pictures, Mutsuki likes heart and star shapes, Saiko draws cat whiskers and ears on her own head. Sasaki is surprised and grateful when they step aside and indicate that Urie should have a try too, and even though he says it’s a waste of time he leans over and adds a few glittery lines.

The machine only produces one sheet of stickers but there’s ten little photos in total and Sasaki cuts them carefully up so everyone has two each. He expects Urie to throw his away but he’s pleasantly surprised when the other puts them into his jacket pocket, looking sullen. Sasaki doesn’t dare to hope too much, but Urie almost looks like… he might be enjoying himself a little.

‘What’s the plan today? What did you guys get up to yesterday?’

‘Tooru and I took lessons in snowboarding. I already knew how but he learns real quick!’ Shirazu states proudly, and Mutsuki smiles at him with pink in his cheeks. ‘Wanna go for secondary lessons today? I reckon we can take a more difficult slope today if you do as well as you did yesterday!’

While Mutsuki stammers an agreement, Sasaki glances at Saiko. ‘And you? Let me guess.’

‘I’m gonna romance the heck out of some hotties in my game. It’s too cold out here, I’m getting inside as quickly as possible, but before I do that you still owe me cake.’

‘I do, I do. That’s fair enough, if that’s what you want to do to relax then go for it.’ Sasaki smiles and looks sideways at Urie. ‘And what about you?’

Saiko answers for him. ‘Yesterday he spent all day cooped up in his room working on CCG paperwork and writing reports. He didn’t go anywhere, I would have known if he had. I think Uri-chan’s idea of a holiday is getting all his work finished.’ the face she pulls indicates just what she thinks of that.

Sasaki looks perplexed and the expression seems to bother Urie, who goes on the defensive almost immediately. ‘Well I don’t know how you expect us to stay ahead of all the other squads if we only fall further and further behind in our work. This entirely unnecessary expedition is putting us out by a week, and I, for one, am not going to let that entire week go to waste.’

Sasaki deflates a little, put off by the other’s tone. He just wanted the youth to let loose a little, to take the chance to relax because he thought it would do them a world of good. But you couldn’t _force_ a person into relaxing, so he had to just let things carry their course. ‘Okay.’ he says simply. ‘But try and take one day, just _one_ to do something just for you? It won’t kill you, and who knows, it might actually be good for you.’

Urie sneers and stalks off in the direction of their cabin down the slope while Saiko looks expectantly at Sasaki, obviously waiting for her promised sweets. By this point Shirazu and Mutsuki are in a world of their own, discussing snowboarding techniques as Shirazu explains the things that work for him that Mutsuki should try too.

And just like that, while forced together for the team-builders, they scatter to the winds again just as quickly. Sasaki isn’t sure that this system works; half an hour to an hour every morning gets broken up again by a whole day of everyone doing their thing… surely that’s counter-productive? But Akira had assured him it would be enough, provided they simply worked together to complete their given tasks. Sasaki had taken her word for it.

He buys a custard tart from the lodge’s café and Saiko scurries back to their cabin with it while the half-ghoul stands idly around at the main building, considering his options. By then, Mutsuki and Shirazu have disappeared up to the snowboarding slope, hired gear in hand. Sasaki is glad to see that even if they’re not necessarily working well as a group that those two seem to be getting closer.

They’d always gotten on fairly well—Mutsuki would get on well with anyone if they gave him a chance, his mild temperament was soothing in that sort of way. But although he and Shirazu had gotten on fairly well, they really did seem to be actual friends by this point and not just team-mates. It isn’t much of a surprise; Mutsuki’s issue with his birth gender still didn’t sit entirely well with some of the others. Saiko often still treated him like a girl—unintentionally, but it was there—and Urie didn’t show remorse if he slipped up and misgendered the boy. Only Shirazu, who had been confused about the whole thing in the beginning, had accepted Mutsuki’s word that he was a boy through and through and had since then not once slipped up when speaking to him, treating him like a little brother.

Sasaki decides not to join them—sports had never really been his forte anyway and if they wanted to hang out he didn’t want to be the third wheel. So his other options were their cabin with Urie and Saiko, or the lodge.

_Or Tsukiyama’s cabin,_ his mind whispers to him.

The thought both surprises him and makes him feel a little uncomfortable. His feelings towards Tsukiyama are still so mixed and the man _flusters_ him… from the way he speaks to the way he looks at Sasaki. The very first night Sasaki had been happy for the conversation… but in Tsukiyama’s cabin the day before the air had felt hot and suffocating, the smell of the man had lingered in the air, dizzying him. He had stood close. Too close.

_There is something there,_ he thinks to himself, troubled. _I can’t place it but instinctively I know there’s something there. He’s so… familiar._

He decides going to Tsukiyama’s cabin is entirely out of the question. He _also_ decides—since it‘s something that may very well occur again—that if he runs into Tsukiyama outside and the man invites him by again that he’ll politely decline. He doesn’t want to step back into the lion’s den. He’d walked out unscathed before… but who knew if he’d manage to do so again?

No, today would be time spent to himself. He’d return to their own cabin, would withdraw into his room if he had to. He could keep an eye on Saiko and Urie that way too—not that he thought either of them would be any trouble in particular but it was his excuse and he’d stick to it.

* * *

The day progressed at a reasonable pace. Sasaki lay on his bed reading for most of it, losing himself in the pages of the book. In the story, Molina and Valentin’s relationship grows more complicated and Sasaki begins to see what Tsukiyama had meant when he had talked about how ignoring your issues isn’t necessarily the best way out. _But then, Valentin’s unbridled anger at the world isn’t the most rational reaction either,_ he thinks to himself.

He sighs and rolls over again to try and get comfortable, his neck stiff. It’s colder in his room; most of the heat is out in the main room of the cabin from the fireplace where Saiko has made herself a nest on the couch and he wonders if she’d mind him going out and joining her. It’s either that or creep under the blankets and with it being only mid-afternoon he doesn’t particularly find that reasonable, not for another couple of hours. He doesn’t have Saiko’s habits, after all.

He wanders out, dragging one of the blankets with him in case sitting still even in the living room will leave him cold but he forgets about the temperature when he sees the pair on the couch.

Urie is sitting with half of Saiko’s blanket slung over his legs. In his hands he’s holding her cotton-candy-pink console and is squinting at the screen in concentration, looking even more sour than usual. Saiko is sitting beside him, having changed back into her frilly pyjamas, leaning right in to watch what he’s doing over his shoulder and pointing helpfully at something on the small screen.

‘What have you learned so far?’ she’s asking Urie earnestly. ‘She likes sweets. So what do you have in your inventory that you can give her to gain favour points?’

‘The croissant from the bakery?’

‘Right!’

‘But I bought that for my breakfast, not for some girl.’

‘This is why you’ll never get a girlfriend, Urie. Give her the damn croissant. Oh hi, Sasaki.’

Urie’s head jerks up and as their eyes meet Sasaki could swear he sees the young man blush. Obviously Urie hadn’t known that Sasaki was even in the cabin because the look on his face is a mixture of surprised horror and fury.

‘Hi guys.’ Despite the poisonous look Urie fixes him with, Sasaki can’t help smiling. ‘What are you playing?’

‘Some stupid game. Waste of time.’ Urie growls, dropping the console in Saiko’s lap and standing up from the couch in a hurry. ‘What are you even doing here?’

‘Enjoying my holiday.’ Sasaki holds up the book, his index finger holding it open to the page he had left off at. ‘And I’m glad you are too, at least a little. Join us up at the lodge for dinner later, Urie—you didn’t come along last night.’

Urie scoffs but he doesn’t outright refuse which Sasaki knows from past experience is probably the closest you’d get to an agreement from him. He doesn’t doubt that they will see Urie at dinner that night, and as he takes a seat he knows he’s still smiling but he can’t help it. He sticks his nose back into his book and, moments later when Urie probably thinks Sasaki isn’t paying attention, the young man rejoins Saiko on the couch and asks her very quietly if she saved the game.

Everything remains peaceful in a way Sasaki thoroughly enjoys for another hour when the door bursts open and a stricken Mutsuki comes in, practically dragging Shirazu whose arm is in a sling, who has a bruise along the side of his face and who has the biggest shark’s grin Sasaki has ever seen.

Alarmed, the investigator leaps up from his seat. ‘Oh my god—what happened?!’

Mutsuki looks close to tears. ‘Shirazu dislocated his shoulder. We were snowboarding a-and… and…’

‘It was awesome!’ Shirazu exclaims, laughing. ‘You shoulda seen it, I rocketed off the ramp at the end of—’

‘—the expert level slope!’ Mutsuki finishes for him, still looking pale and mortified. ‘I _told_ him not to, Sasaki! I really tried but he went anyway and he landed wrong and knocked himself out and dislocated his shoulder!’ With that explained, Mutsuki promptly bursts into tears, and Shirazu’s grin is immediately wiped from his face as the other boy sobs, obviously distressed.

Sasaki thinks the situation is probably not as bad as it looks and he indicates to Saiko that she should take Mutsuki and calm him down which she does, looping her arm through his and leading him to the couch where she sits him down and sits beside him, asking him idle questions about his day to get his mind off the end of it. Sasaki looks Shirazu up and down. ‘What’s your situation here, then?’

‘Uhhh.’ Shirazu thinks about this for a moment, although his eyes are on Mutsuki over on the couch and not on Sasaki. ‘Well we were in the medical building for like two hours. They popped my shoulder in but it’s gonna be delicate for a little while. My face is okay. I know it looks bad.’

Urie snorts. ‘No different to normal.’

‘Hey, fuck you.’

Sasaki lifts his hands, quelling the argument before it can properly begin and looks expectantly at Shirazu, waiting for him to finish.

‘Uhh my leg’s okay I just twisted my ankle a bit. They put ice on it and said I gotta be careful for a few days.’

‘No more snowboarding?’ Sasaki raises a stern eyebrow.

‘No more snowboarding.’ Shirazu confirms, not looking happy about it. His eyes keep slipping from Sasaki to Mutsuki and after an uncomfortable moment he calls out to the boy. ‘Hey… hey. Tooru, I’m real sorry I worried ya. I’m okay, you know.’

‘You’re an idiot.’ Mutsuki replies snappily but Sasaki can see the other is upset only because of Shirazu’s condition and the words don’t seem to bother Shirazu either so he’s quite sure the latter understands that, too.

‘We won’t go out tonight. I’ll go up to the lodge and get some take-out food for everyone, okay?’

‘Sounds good, Sassan.’ Shirazu’s earlier excitement has mostly gone and he looks sheepish, realising that he’s probably caused a bit of stress for everyone.

Shaking his head, Sasaki grabs his coat and wallet and heads out to the lodge to fulfil his promise of dinner. Later when he returns, he’ll find the four of them sitting on the couches by the fire with Shirazu animatedly describing his jump in glorious detail and Mutsuki pressed close beside him, carefully checking over his injuries while Urie and Saiko alternatively laugh at Shirazu’s idiocy or simply shake their heads. It warms him from the inside because, while it isn’t perfect yet, he can maybe, just _maybe_ feel something forming between them.


	4. Day 4

_It’s dark, so dark, he can’t see, there’s no sound, there’s nothing around him yet something is touching him, touching him, caressing him, trailing along the line of his waist, resting over his scar, circling, circling his skin, intimate, warm_

_There are lips against his neck, so hot they feel like they’re burning, he opens his mouth to cry out but there’s no sound and he can’t make himself be heard no matter how he tries_

_He catches flashes, faces, places, scenes he doesn’t recognise but feels like he should, he sees his own face but different, face twisted in a cruelty he tries to recoil from, one eye burning red and glaring so hatefully at him it feels like it reaches right into his soul. Sasaki staggers back from them all, tries to shield himself with his arms but it’s like they won’t lift or they’re not there, it’s like he’s floating or can’t move—he doesn’t know which, and the darkness presses in on him_

_One particular face materialises out of the darkness and it’s_ him _, it’s the stranger-but-not-a-stranger, it’s those eyes filled with longing for something Sasaki doesn’t understand, it’s a warm mouth seeking out his own as arms encircle his waist in a calming embrace, an embrace that sends Sasaki’s fear scurrying back to the corners of his thoughts and a voice whispers, whispers into the back of his mind_

_**You are loved** _

_They’re in a dance but Sasaki doesn’t know the steps, they’re in a dance and Tsukiyama is pulling him along across a checkered floor as they whirl in the darkness and Sasaki feels the sensation of skin against skin, there is nothing between them, nothing but an emotional barrier he doesn’t understand, doesn’t want because it reminds him of something, something…_

_**You are missed** _

_Sasaki wants to cry out in his confusion and pain, wants to say something, anything, wants to ask Tsukiyama who he is again and again until he gets his answer but he knows even if the man were to tell him that the answer wouldn’t be enough, words are not enough because Sasaki needs to identify it himself_

_But at least part of the answer lies in Tsukiyama, part of the answer lies in the fondness of the man’s gaze, the way his hands caress Sasaki’s body as if he is something to be treasured and the way he lovingly whispers his name. Sasaki yields to him as Tsukiyama lays him down, as he feels the weight of the man on him, as Sasaki moans his name and fingers tangle in his hair and they move together in a dance he doesn’t know but Tsukiyama is helping him remember as Sasaki’s body ignites at his touch until he feels like he’ll burn up from the inside out._

* * *

Sasaki snaps awake with a gasp.

His hair and pillow are soaked with sweat and he sits upright in bed, chest heaving as he tries to cling onto the imagery from his dream. His heart is beating wildly and his cheeks are flushed and he realises in horror that he’s aroused, his skin so sensitive that the sheets feel rough and he shakily pushes them off so he can cool down, shuddering as the caress of them makes his cock twitch in his underwear.

He puts a hand over the bulge in his boxers and bites his lip; even through the fabric the touch feels _good_ , better than it usually does and he knows it’s because he has the after-image of Tsukiyama touching him in his head. He feels almost guilty for dreaming about the man that way, as he settles back in the pillows and slides his hand in under the fabric, breath hitching and eyes fluttering closed as he touches himself.

He pictures Tsukiyama, pictures the kind smile and the pleasant tone of his voice, moans softly as he imagines the other’s gaze turning predatory, as he remembers the sensation of being so close to him in his cabin with Tsukiyama’s smell all around him, as he recalls that moment when he had been so sure the man was going to grab him. He remembers the feeling of danger then and his breath hitches as he moans louder, cock twitching in his hand at the recollection, as he strokes harder and faster and his imagination begins to conjure up new images of its own.

It takes a cue from his dream and as he lays back in the pillows he can imagine the other leaning over him, on top of him, pressing him down into their softness. He can feel Tsukiyama’s touch on him instead of his own, grip firm as he strokes steadily in quick, jerking motions. He lets out a soft whimper as he imagines Tsukiyama moving down and taking him into his mouth, those lips which are so good at flattery and coaxing wrapping around his length and sucking firmly until Sasaki is writhing in bed and biting down hard on his lip to smother his sounds of pleasure.

With hitched breaths he whispers the man’s name, his strokes growing more uneven and frantic as the remnants of the dream bounce around in his memories in fragments—more sensations than images—and he has to bite down on his free hand to stop himself from crying out as he lets his hips buck up into his hand. He spreads his legs for his imaginary lover, drawing his knees up as he imagines the other moving further down with his tongue delving in between Sasaki’s cheeks and in that instant the half-ghoul comes with a sharp inward breath as he chokes on Tsukiyama’s name.

* * *

_I must be crazy_. Sasaki sits at the table in the cabin’s main room, hands folded calmly in front of him and his gaze on the table. To any outsider he would have looked perfectly composed. Inside, he’s tearing himself apart. _How am I supposed to look him in the face again after last night? What was I_ thinking _?_

Of course he supposes he doesn’t _have_ to look at Tsukiyama. He supposes he can possibly avoid the man for the remaining few days and go back to Tokyo without never having seen him again. But then the book that lays on the table is a harsh reminder that he’ll have to see Tsukiyama at least once.

Luckily for Sasaki, he isn’t the focus of attention this morning. Saiko is staring at Mutsuki and Shirazu and grinning from ear to ear. The two had been discovered that morning by Urie who had awoken first and wandered out; they had been on the couch together, had fallen asleep there after having stayed awake talking late into the night, Shirazu stretched out with Mutsuki curled in against him, one of the former's arms draped over the smaller boy. It had been intimate and—Sasaki thought—adorable, but Saiko and Urie had simply seen it as ammunition.

‘Sleep well…?’ Saiko arches a knowing eyebrow and takes a pastry from the box that Urie had hiked up to the lodge to fetch for them that morning, an unexpectedly selfless gesture from the normally withdrawn youth. Mutsuki is so red in the face that Sasaki is worried he might pop a blood vessel somewhere and he reaches over to gently pat him on the arm. Mutsuki looks gratefully across at him and doesn‘t say anything.

‘It‘s warmer out here.’ Shirazu snaps defensively, conscious of Mutsuki's embarrassment. ‘Tooru and I came out because we wanted to get warmer, that‘s all.’

Mutsuki flinches as the wording lights up Saiko's eyes and before she can make a snide remark about them ‘getting warm‘ Sasaki interrupts them.

‘Okay. Come on, now. Today‘s activity…’ he sighs and takes a hold of his notebook before glancing around. ‘Wait a second, where‘s Urie?’

‘Sassan, did you only notice just now? After he brought these,’ Shirazu taps the box of pastries. ‘He headed out again and hasn‘t come back since.’

‘Does anyone know where he went? He knows we have to do these things in the morning.’ Sasaki tries not to let his irritation show but he‘s still on edge from his dream, still tense from his guilt at pleasuring himself with his mind on Tsukiyama and his patience is wearing thin. He knows he shouldn‘t misplace his anger, that any frustration he has should be with himself but right then Urie looks like a very easy target.

Shirazu seems to sense something amiss and wilts a little, looking concerned. ‘Naw, Sassan… we don‘t know. He doesn‘t say anything to us, you know that.’

Sasaki huffs in frustration, snapping his notebook shut again and rubbing at the bridge of his nose with thumb and forefinger. ‘There isn‘t any point if we‘re not all here. I‘ll go for a walk and see if I can track him down and you guys just… stay here and relax. You—’ he points sternly at Shirazu. ‘Nothing crazy please, you‘re still injured.’

‘I‘m fine—’ Shirazu begins to protest but a look from Sasaki silences him. They sense something amiss and all settle quickly, exchanging glances as Sasaki gathers his things and grabs his coat and scarf, dressing warmly. Through the window he can see that the wind has picked up and it‘s snowing again, the flakes whirling and whipping around in a frenzy as they‘re caught up in the breeze. There is no conceivable reason Urie would have gone out, not in this weather, not knowing that they have to do the exercises that they‘re out here for in the _first_ place and Sasaki plans to give him a piece of his mind.

The search takes two hours. He tries the most obvious places first; the shops, the café bar on the second level of the main building, the main office. He catches the lift up to the ski slope where only a few gung-ho sporty types are braving the rougher weather for the sake of getting in a few dashes and jumps, but still Urie isn‘t anywhere to be found. He walks some of the main walking tracks, loops back around to their cabin to stick his head in only to find Urie still hasn‘t returned, then heads back up to the lodge again. The search has only made him more irritable, and he feels a throbbing behind one of his temples, the onset of a headache.

Urie is sitting at one of the tables in the café, paperwork strewn across it and the end of his pen idling against his lips as he seems to consider the report in front of him. He makes a few annotations, apparently not noticing Sasaki as he approaches and jumping when the man slaps his hand down on the table beside him.

‘Where,’ Sasaki says with a strained tone, ‘have you been?’

Urie looks impassively up at him. ‘Here.’

‘I searched all over for you. I _came_ here, you weren’t here.’

The other shrugs. ‘We must have missed one another, then. I‘ve been here for a couple of hours doing work, because that‘s still a thing that needs to be done.’

‘You _know_ what we‘re here for.’ Sasaki is struggling to keep his voice from cracking. He‘s truly reaching the end of his tether with Urie—he can put up with so much but it‘s like every time he thinks he‘s making progress with his colleague he suddenly finds himself right back to where he started. ‘I‘ve been looking for you for nearly two _hours_ , Urie, why aren‘t you back at the cabin?’

Urie shrugs. ‘You looking for me isn‘t my problem, I was right here.’

Sasaki smacks his hand against the table again and Urie jumps. Around them several people glance over to see what the commotion is. ‘Don‘t give me that!’

‘I didn‘t want to do the activity.’ the young man says bluntly.

Sasaki stares at him, processing this for a moment. ‘What do you mean?’

Urie scowls. ‘You heard me.’

‘You don‘t even know what the activity _is_.’

‘I took a look through your notebook. I know what it is. A trust fall. The lamest and most clichéd of team-building exercises. And I refuse to do it, you can play those children‘s games with the other three. I don‘t want to have any part of it.’

The throbbing in Sasaki's temples feels like it‘s getting worse, and all his muscles are taut with tension. ‘Don‘t do this right now, Urie. We were doing so well, I thought—it was all going really well, please don‘t do this right now.’

The other shrugs and turns back to his reports, turning a very final cold shoulder in Sasaki's direction as he picks up his pen again. ‘I‘m not going to do it.’

‘ _Why?!_ ’ Sasaki yells without meaning to and his hand on the table suddenly sweeps aside the reports in front of Urie, paper scattering to the floor everywhere as the latter jerks back from the violent action. Suddenly everyone within earshot is looking at them but Sasaki barely notices. The headache is fierce now, dragging pain behind his eyeballs as Urie stares up at him with a look of mixed surprise and awe.

‘Because they‘ll drop me.’ he says quickly, quietly.

Sasaki is breathing hard after the short outburst but his breath catches at that. ‘What?’

‘They‘ll drop me. Don‘t pretend for a second not every single person in that cabin hates my guts. Don‘t say that a dumb trust-fall exercise wouldn‘t be their perfect excuse to laugh at my expense. Don‘t try and convince me that everyone—short of you, perhaps, since you so like keeping up appearances—wouldn‘t step aside just to watch me fall.’

Something becomes suddenly very clear to Sasaki. It isn‘t just that Urie dislikes the games they’ve been given, it’s that he’s afraid. He knows how he’s seen by the others and he fears that rejection, even though he treats the others with such cold disapproval ‘Urie, they wouldn‘t—’

‘ _Don‘t_.’ the other snaps, and he‘s suddenly standing in front of Sasaki, so close, _too_ close. ‘And don‘t get me started on _you_. Your disdain is just as bad… in fact it‘s _worse_. It‘s made even more pathetic by your feeble attempts. You‘re a dog of the CCG, all bark and no bite. You roll over and wag your tail for praise, you do as you‘re told. You put up with me because you _have_ to. You‘d see me fall, just like everyone else.’

Sasaki's eyes are wide—he doesn‘t think they‘re talking about the trust-fall anymore. ‘Urie—’

‘You‘re nothing but a cowed _beast_ Sasaki. Give me a fucking break with all this happy-go-lucky perfect team _bullshit_.’ Urie’s hissing out between clenched teeth, fists curled at his sides. ’You’re not one of us anyway. What are you? A failed experiment? A prototype? You’re trying to unify our team but you’re not even _like_ us. Hell, we might even get on better if you weren’t meddling all the damn time. So _don’t_ give me this shit, pretending like you wouldn‘t all prefer to fucking kick me out rather than attempt to get along.’

He reaches up and shoves Sasaki hard, the investigator stumbling back a couple of paces. Around them everyone has gone dead silent save for a few whispers of gossip as all eyes are on the argument taking place. Sasaki doesn‘t even notice them; Urie‘s words hit him like physical blows and he feels his already fragile countenance beginning to crumble, his hands trembling as he stares at Urie. He can‘t find the words, opens his mouth but no sound comes out. He feels like he‘s gone entirely numb—he can‘t even feel his headache anymore.

Unable to speak or even form much of a coherent thought he takes another step back away from the table. Urie‘s still watching him with an icy gaze, though he makes no further move towards him, doesn‘t say another word. Sasaki stammers something incoherent, feeling a flush rising to his face and then he turns, walking quickly to the door, people moving aside for him with averted eyes as he hurries out and runs down the steps into the wind and snow.

He nearly slips on the icy path several times in his hurry and his breath rasps painfully cold in his throat. Tears blur his vision and roll down his cheeks, turning from hot to cold in an instant and prickling against his skin. He can hardly see where he‘s going through the snow and his blurry vision, but he knows he's not headed back to the cabin. Something else drives him, some desperation sends him down a different path and he staggers through the snow until he finds the cabin he wants, thumping both closed fists against it as his breath shudders in and out of him, as he stands on the knife's edge of a panic attack.

When the door opens Tsukiyama stands there for a moment, staring at Sasaki with surprise. His gaze moves out past him to the cold outdoors where snow is whirling around in the wind, the flecks of it in Sasaki's hair and clinging to his clothes and he then steps aside to let him come in without a word.

Sasaki moves past him into the room, the heat from the fire making his numb fingers tingle at the sudden change in temperature. He stands in front of the blaze and stares into the flickering flames, his chest tight with emotion, feeling the cold chill slowly begin to ease. Still Tsukiyama says nothing, moving up behind him and placing his hands on Sasaki's shoulders. He shouldn't, Sasaki _knows_ that. He's still only a step above being a stranger.

Tsukiyama leans in and kisses the back of Sasaki's neck.

The tremor that runs through the investigator has nothing to do with the chill in his body. He closes his eyes, letting out a shaky sigh before he turns to face the other man, lips pressed tightly together to stop them from trembling as he looks up at him.

'You said when we met that we knew one another in another life.' he says quietly. 'I thought you were just... being dramatic. But I believe it, somehow.' he reaches up, tracing Tsukiyama's cheek with his fingertips, feeling the hot prickle of tears in his eyes as his despair from Urie's earlier words and his confusion about his emotions towards this man wind together into a mess of trepidation and sadness. 'Have I known you for three days? Or have I known you a lot longer than that?' he draws a slow breath and it shudders as he fights back tears. 'I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm trying so hard to build a home with the people I consider my family, but I just... I can't... I can't find any place where it feels like I fit.'

Tsukiyama doesn't reply, though the look in his eyes speaks volumes. Volumes that Sasaki doesn't want to understand, is afraid to understand. He steps closer, touches his fingers to the buttons of the vest the other man is wearing and trails his touch upward as Tsukiyama leans in.

When they kiss it's so familiar that Sasaki wants to cry again. It's not just the dream he'd only had during the night just gone, it's something more, something seated deep in his consciousness. A lump rises to his throat and he swallows it down, blinks back his tears as his arms wind around Tsukiyama's torso, fingers gripping desperately onto the back of his shirt as the man plies his lips apart with his tongue and pulls him closer.

'Don't.' after only a short moment Tsukiyama pulls back just far enough to take Sasaki's face in his hands and runs his thumb lightly over one eye, gathering the tears forming on Sasaki's lashes and wiping them away. 'Don't cry, it isn't like you.'

Sasaki laughs and it sounds more like a hiccup. 'If you say that then you don't know me as well as you pretend to.'

Then it's only kissing, touching, Tsukiyama's hands sliding down low on Sasaki's back and making him tremble again as they press on the place just over his kakuhou. Sasaki is overwhelmed because it's like he _knows_ that the investigator is most sensitive there, that the lightest press to that spot makes his knees weak and makes him lean harder against the other man as he exhales hotly against Tsukiyama's neck.

'Aren't you afraid I will devour you,  _mon cher_ ?' Tsukiyama murmurs against Sasaki's ear.

'You've already begun. I just want to see you follow through.'

Tsukiyama seems pleased with the answer and his chuckle is such a pleasant sound that Sasaki feels a tingle run right through him. He's tired of being overly cautious, of tiptoeing around the huge black hole in his memories. For once,  _just_ once since he woke up to his life at the CCG he wants to be selfish. He wants to indulge in something that is just for him alone, and if Tsukiyama's willing to be that indulgence then who is Sasaki to deny himself that?

He surprises the both of them by taking a tight hold of the lapels of Tsukiyama's vest and turning the both of them around, pushing him back until the back of the other's legs hit the edge of one of the oversized armchairs and Tsukiyama loses his balance, landing into it with a soft gasp. Sasaki doesn't know where his determination comes from, where his sudden desires come from—maybe it's a remnant of his dream from the night before but whatever it is he finds himself moving forward to straddle the other's lap and takes his head in his hands to kiss him again.

Tsukiyama's own hands are eager now that they're seated; he pulls at Sasaki's shirt, tugging the fabric out from his belt so he can slide his hands in underneath, fingers trailing up along the lines of Sasaki's back. His nails dig into his skin when Sasaki forces open his mouth and slides his tongue in with a breathless moan, dragging his own hands down to Tsukiyama's vest again where his fingers begin to fiddle with the buttons there to undo them as he rocks forward almost instinctively in the man's lap.

He feels the way the other jolts slightly beneath him at the contact, hears the other's sharp intake of breath through his nose and when he finally pulls back with his lips feeling swollen and moist from the desperate kisses Tsukiyama's eyes are closed and the man bows his head with an uncertain smile.

'This is your last chance to leave,  _mi amore_ .' he says quietly, though the way his fingers curl against Sasaki's back and the way he leans in to nose against his throat and breathe him in makes Sasaki think that his last chance to leave was a long time ago and the words are nothing but a formality. He can feel Tsukiyama's eagerness in the hard press of the man's crotch against his own and while there is a flutter of uncertainty in him for a fraction of a second, he pushes it aside.

'Why leave when there's nothing waiting for me at home?' his smile is bitter and he knows it and he wishes he could take the words back because he knows he doesn't mean it, but he forgets about that when Tsukiyama looks up at him.

The man's eyes are a very familiar black and red.

_Kakugan_ . He waits for the shock to settle in, the surprise, the desire to pull away and none of it does. Somehow he had known, he had expected this all along and since he's very aware that soon enough his own eye will turn from his arousal he is overwhelmingly relieved.

He traces his fingers along the lines of Tsukiyama's cheeks, below each eye as he studies his face intently. The man seems content to wait, lashes fluttering briefly closed when Sasaki's fingers get too close but fearlessly opening again at their absence.

'You knew.' he says quietly, wonderingly and Sasaki only smiles and silences any further conversation by kissing him once again.

A small part of him repeatedly whispers that flinging himself into this on an emotional rebound is the worst idea possible. But another part of him, a part that's been forced for too long to be silent crushes those doubts underfoot and feeds his desires instead.  _You wanted him since you first saw him,_ it whispers to him as his senses heighten and he feels that familiar tingle around his left eye as it changes.  _You couldn't really identify the feeling but it was there. Your dreams are proof of that._

He pushes back Tsukiyama's vest and makes a short, frustrated sound as he's forced to repeat the motions with the wine-red shirt underneath. So many goddamn  _buttons_ ... he's tempted to yank the garment open instead, regardless of the damage that might be done to it but he manages to restrain his desire until he gets it open and slides his hands inside, eagerly touching and exploring as he ducks in to mouth the side of Tsukiyama's neck. The ghoul lets him, doing very little in return until Sasaki utters a soft, frustrated whine and then that same chuckle comes back momentarily before the man is unbuckling Sasaki's belt.

Their actions become more needy, more focused. Their kisses become clumsy and messy as they grow more distracted by touch instead, and Sasaki finds that he  _loves_ the sounds he can pull from Tsukiyama when he rocks forward in the other's lap. He pulls at Tsukiyama's belt as the other pulls at his, the actions taking longer than they should in their clumsy haste to get it done.

_Nothing but a cowed beast!_ Urie's words come up out of nowhere, clanging around in his head as if to distract him from what he's doing. His hands falter in their task but Tsukiyama's don't, Tsukiyama's slide around to firmly grip his backside and yank him in close against him, the rough action causing the investigator to lean back suddenly and brace himself with his hands on the man's knees. With this new position he's grinding down hard on Tsukiyama's still-clothed erection and the man's face is flushed red as his hips buck up against him.

'Get these off.' Tsukiyama pulls eagerly at the waistband of Sasaki's pants as he leans forward over him, nuzzling into the investigator's chest where his shirt has been pulled partially open. His tongue finds one of the half-ghoul's nipples and his teeth graze it, causing Sasaki to cry out and shift one hand up to grip into Tsukiyama's hair, holding him against his chest for a moment as he lifts his hips for the other to pull his pants further down.

The manoeuvring is awkward. Neither of them are willing to really shift from their current position and yet both are wearing far more clothes than either of them want. It's clumsy, it's messy, they're panting against each other as they grope blindly and desperately. Tsukiyama's quiet elegance is gone with his hunger for this, his teeth and tongue dragging over every inch of flesh on the other's torso they can get to.

'Don't bite,' Sasaki hisses breathlessly as one of the nips is perhaps a little too hard. 'You're a ghoul, I... ah— can't trust you to contain yourself, so don't bite... The second you break through skin, this stops.'

Tsukiyama groans again, a sound of frustration as he sucks a bruise against Sasaki's throat but he turns his focus onto other things. Sasaki utters a soft, choked cry as the man cups his backside again, now bare, fingers pressing in between the cheeks to brush over his entrance. His cock lays hard against his stomach and when one of Tsukiyama's hands comes up to grip it Sasaki thinks about his dream and the way he let his imagination run away with him right afterward.

The real thing feels so much better than anything his imagination could conjure up. Tsukiyama knows just how to touch him, the things to do to have him squirming in the man's lap and when the hand at his back creeps up to dig fingers in against that sweet spot over his kakuhou it makes all the nerves in his body sing out in pleasure and he cries out. It's like the ghoul is already entirely in tune with the things Sasaki likes.

That wave of deja vu hits him again.

He ignores it and, intending fully to drown out the echoes of Urie's words in his mind he yanks up Tsukiyama's head by the hair to kiss him.

In a whirl of dizzying movement they're no longer on the armchair. Frustrated with his lack of ability to move, Tsukiyama has effortlessly lifts him and both tumble to the floor onto the plush rug by the fire. Sasaki finds himself on his back with Tsukiyama crawling over him and he leaves himself splayed out as he's fallen as the man hungrily kisses at his neck and up to his mouth as he pulls off Sasaki's shoes and rids him of his pants. Sasaki's legs hook around him and he whimpers as Tsukiyama lifts him at an angle where he grinds his still-clothed hips up against him.

'Do it.' the investigator whispers as he looks up at him with mismatched eyes. 'Help me forget who I am for an evening. What my responsibilities are.'

Tsukiyama falters, he looks down at Sasaki with wide eyes as a mixture of emotions crosses his face. Sasaki doesn't understand it, but he doesn't need to try when Tsukiyama's eyes narrow in determination.

'Then I'll be your whole world tonight,  _mon cher_ .' the man leans down and kisses him slow and sensual, fingers creeping in under Sasaki's back again and massaging the tender spot there until the other is squirming and whimpering against his mouth, hands coming up to grip into the other's shirt. Tsukiyama rocks against him in a promise of what's to come and Sasaki is surprised at his own neediness, at the way he whimpers and moans and whispers 'yes' in breathless pleas against Tsukiyama's lips.

'Hurry,' he groans, already so hard he can feel precome leaking onto his stomach—and Tsukiyama isn't even undressed yet. He needs this. His whole body is screaming for it. As if he's waiting for a hit from a drug he's already addicted to.

'Shh,  _cherie_ , we have all night.'

And then he's gone. Sasaki whimpers again at the loss of contact, groping at empty air where Tsukiyama had only been moments ago. When he props himself up on his elbows he sees the other man hastily crossing the room, disappearing through one of the doors down the hall. Sasaki doesn't want to wait, whatever he might be doing, and drags himself up off the floor to follow after him with staggering steps, feeling unusually off-balance.

Tsukiyama runs into him right outside what seems to be the bathroom and the man chuckles at Sasaki's eagerness, tucking some items away into his pants pocket before Sasaki grabs a fistful of his shirt and yanks him down to eye level.

'Don't ever just get up and walk away from me again.' he rasps.

The voice doesn't feel like his own. It feels like a stranger's, coming up from deep inside him, from an awakened part of him set alight by... whatever this is. But as much as Sasaki can't recognise it, Tsukiyama seems to recognise it instantly. His eyes widen and he regards Sasaki with renewed desire before bodily pushing him back through the doorway behind him.

It's the bedroom. By some miracle they've made it there but they don't make it as far as the bed. Sasaki's back hits the wall and Tsukiyama hoists one of his legs up, hooking it over his hip as he noses and bites at Sasaki's throat. 'I won't. I won't.' he repeats the promise like a mantra as he pulls a vial from his pocket and coats his fingers with the slick fluid inside.

Sasaki cries out softly as the ghoul slides one of those fingers into him, prodding and probing at the puckered entrance until the other's body eases enough for him to easily slide it inside. He joins it with a second one quickly and Sasaki's vision blurs as he adds the third, stretching him wide. 'Hurry...!' he pleads again, more demanding this time, and as if he's just spoken the magic word Tsukiyama's fingers withdraw and Sasaki chokes on a cry as the ghoul slides up into him with barely any resistance.

Tsukiyama takes a moment to pause, to compose himself, panting harshly against Sasaki's shoulder as he seats himself deep within the other. His hands tremble briefly but steady their grip and he presses the other firmly against the wall as he pulls up Sasaki's other leg as well so he's entirely held up by the ghoul.

Sasaki claws his blunt fingernails against Tsukiyama's back, snagging the fabric of the shirt the man is still wearing as he clings onto him for dear life, feeling hot all over and full in a strange — but certainly not unpleasant — way. When Tsukiyama rolls his hips up to thrust into him the investigator cries out again, head rolling back against the wall and leaving his throat exposed to Tsukiyama who takes the invitation by nipping more bruises across pale skin. Sasaki is almost entirely at Tsukiyama's mercy and he allows himself to give in to it, allows himself to drop his guard and let the other support him with strong hands beneath his thighs and a deep, steady rhythm as he fucks up into him with practiced strokes, finding the angles that pull the coveted, trembling sounds from Sasaki's throat and abusing them as best he can.

When Tsukiyama first grinds against his prostate, Sasaki comes suddenly and immediately with a startled cry, feeling the wet splatter against his stomach. It feels so good it nearly  _hurts_ , and he wasn't expecting such a sudden burst through his nerves—he blushes darkly, embarrassed by his sudden reaction but although Tsukiyama seems surprised he doesn't seem at all displeased, smirking slightly as he licks his lips.

'You're still hard.' he croons against Sasaki's ear. 'Good thing, too, because I'm nowhere near done with you yet,  _mi amore_ .'

He becomes less gentle and Sasaki falls at his mercy completely as he drives himself continuously up into the other with sharp, quick thrusts. The continuous sound of flesh hitting flesh is lewd in a way that only makes Sasaki want more... they kiss, gasp for breath, kiss again, tongues meeting, teeth clicking clumsily together as they grip one another tight. Sasaki is hypersensitive after his orgasm and his body burns with pleasure but Tsukiyama is right; he's still hard, still desperate to taste more of this, as much as he can get.

Sasaki knows there are words coming out of his mouth but he's long ago lost track of what he's saying, not even sure if he's making any sense. One of Tsukiyama's hands comes between them again, swiping come up off his stomach and dragging the fluid across his lips and he flicks his tongue out against the digits without thinking, pulling them hungrily into his mouth and desperately sucking on them as the ghoul continues to fuck him.

'Kane—' Tsukiyama's breath catches, he groans. 'Sasaki...'

It's a warning, but Sasaki doesn't care. He's moving as best he can, driving himself down on the other's cock, harder, faster, pleasure tingling through every one of his nerves. Tsukiyama accepts his silent approval with a grin that curves against Sasaki's throat and he moves both hands up, one of them gripping his cock and stroking it with swift, firm motions matching the rhythm of his hips. The other slides along the investigator's side and his fingernails drag abruptly along his lower back.

It's enough to drive Sasaki over the edge a second time with a cry that is as much a sob as it is a sound of pleasure, only this time Tsukiyama joins him, moaning his name against Sasaki's lips as the muscles of his abdomen quiver as he holds himself still inside. Sasaki can feel him, can feel as he comes and he winces slightly at the sensation but has no complaints as the ghoul fills him up. Tsukiyama is moaning his name against his neck, nails digging into his flesh with a death-grip that's painful but it's just another sensation to add to the siege on Sasaki's body.

He doesn't know how long they stand there, bodies cooling as they remain locked in an embrace up against the wall. He  _does_ know that after a time be becomes uncomfortably aware of the stickiness between them, of the fatigue in his limbs from holding himself up. 

'Shuu...' he whines softly, and shudders when the man withdraws from him, feeling a flutter of loss as he does so. His legs are lowered to the floor but refuse to hold him; he sags bonelessly against Tsukiyama and hears a faint chuckle as the ghoul adjusts his grip and helps walk him over to the bed.

'Rest.' he whispers as he presses a kiss to Sasaki's hair and he's about to pull back when the other snags his shirt again, looking up at him with a look of mixed exhaustion and determination. The ghoul laughs again as he remembers his promise from before and instead of moving away he climbs up onto the bed beside him and curls up behind him, his arms winding around Sasaki in an embrace that the investigator feels strangely safe in.

* * *

They wake hours later and the sun is gone, the night air black outside the windows. Tsukiyama helps him to the shower and they share it, the ghoul leaving Sasaki a trembling mess against the tiles when he sinks to his knees and sucks him off while Sasaki's fingers bury in his wet hair.

They retreat to the generously-sized bed again, falling asleep again before their damp hair has even had time to dry. They don't talk, nothing more than the most basic exchanges, questioning comfort or the desire for something to drink. They share space in comfortable silence, Tsukiyama stroking his fingers through Sasaki's hair until he joins the investigator in his slumber.

When Sasaki wakes again the sun has come up, there is a steaming cup of strong black coffee on the night-stand, and Tsukiyama is gone.

 


	5. Day 5

'Sasaki!'

'Sassan!!'

Mutsuki and Shirazu both stand from their places on the couch and rush over to him when he comes in through the door of their cabin, Shirazu still hobbling on his injured leg. They look pale and haggard as if they haven't slept, and the relief in their eyes is overwhelming. Sasaki feels guilt claw at his stomach as he realises just how long he's been gone without a word as to his whereabouts—for all they knew he had been lying injured at the bottom of a rock bank in the snow somewhere.

Urie and Saiko are sitting at the table and Urie stands up slowly. He looks just as pale as the others, his jaw is set firmly and his face is carefully neutral, but Sasaki can read the tension in his stance and he realises that the youth has been worried as well, though he's certain the other will never voice his concerns.

'Sorry for making you worry, guys.' he says softly, standing sheepishly before the four of them with his hands behind his back and his head bowed in humility. Then, when he feels like that isn't enough he drops his hands to his sides and bows low. 'I'm really sorry!!'

All of a sudden there are arms around him and he looks up to see Mutsuki whose chin trembles as he tries to bite back emotion. 'Urie told us that you guys argued. He told us the whole story, too—he told us what he said to you and how you reacted. We were so scared, Sasaki, that we didn't know where you were—and we were angry with Urie too, of course, but he's sorry, he was just as worried as we were.'

Sasaki looks over at the young man who's stood silent during this exchange. When their eyes meet Urie glances away and the look on his face tells Sasaki enough; he knows what regret looks like, and despite Urie's stellar poker face he can see it etched into the dark circles under the boy's eyes. It doesn't look like very many of them have had much rest overnight.

'We sat and talked for a long time.' Saiko pipes up for the first time since the start of the exchange. Her usually bored tone is gone and she looks uncharacteristically sombre. 'You weren't here, so of course at first we talked mostly about you and about what happened between you and Urie. We even went out to look for you, for a bit. Well. They did.' she lets out an awkward cough.

'The weather got pretty shitty though, we couldn't stay out long especially once it began to get dark.' Shirazu grimaces and shivers at the memory. 'Where _were_ you, Sassan?'

'I... I found somewhere to rest for a while and just... sort out my thoughts.' It's at least partially true, and Sasaki doesn't feel too bad about telling them only that much. 'I'm truly sorry for making you all worry.'

'Saiko's right though. We had a lot of time to talk. None of us could get any sleep so we sat out here by the fire and just...' Mutsuki shrugs. 'We just kept talking. After you we talked about the CCG, and ourselves... Urie actually told us the reason he'd left in the morning. The atmosphere was pretty serious all night, but it was probably the best kind of atmosphere to have to get some of the serious things we had in our hearts off our chests. We learned a lot about one another last night.'

Sasaki looks surprised and glances over at Urie again. The other grits his teeth. 'Don't think to much of it.' he says edgily, but Sasaki can't help smiling.

He feels relieved. He feels like without him there they've still managed to have some sort of breakthrough. He would have thought that something like that might depress him, that he really does want to feel a little bit... _needed_ by his team. But instead his heart swells at the thought that in his absence they might have matured a little. After all, wasn't the entire point of the retreat to get to know one another further?

'I'm going to get changed.' he says quietly, needing the time away from the four to compose himself, as he can feel his heart about ready to burst with joy. It's such a whiplash from the self-doubt and depression from the day before, but it's a good kind of shock to have, he thinks. They earnestly wave him off in the direction of his room and as he leaves them alone he hears them settle into hushed conversation again. Not long ago that would have been unheard of. It's amazing what a shared shock can do.

As he unbuttons his shirt in his room he runs his fingers over creases in the fabric that he knows are caused by Tsukiyama's grip. As he steps out of his pants, bundling them up to wash later because they are a _mess_ he remembers the feverish eagerness with which Tsukiyama took him the night before. He had gone to Tsukiyama's cabin to throw himself into a mindless risk just to take away from his own personal issues. He had gone to Tsukiyama to indulge in something, but he felt like Tsukiyama had also taken something from the experience.

He slips on a clean shirt and pants and runs a hand through his hair in front of the room mirror to make himself more presentable. At least he'd been able to shower and their keen senses wouldn't have caught a stranger's scent all over him.

On the table by his bed is his book; he remembers leaving it out in the main room so one of his team-mates must have put it there for him. He picks it up and flicks through the pages to where he's left off. A line catches his eye and he smiles slightly.

'Ahh...' he sighs in satisfaction. 'So they do become lovers after all.'

* * *

'Tomorrow we go home.' Sasaki smiles at the group as they gather around him. 'So after we get one last activity out of the way you guys can just... do what you want. We didn't do our activity yesterday but who cares, right? It sounds like you guys progressed a lot more than what that stupid game would have managed.' he grabs the notebook and clears his throat as he flicks through it, but his smile dies off a bit. '...oh, uh. Or not. We had the gift exchange which you were told about before we left.' he laughs nervously, putting his notes aside. He had forgotten about it, himself... after all, even though this motley group was beginning to get along a little now, there was no way they would have brought gifts for one another beforehand. 'Don't worry about it.'

An awkward silence settles over them which, surprisingly, Mutsuki is the one to break. He reaches into his jacket and pulled out a wrapped gift, biting his lip nervously. 'Oh, um... I... did bring one for my giftee. I don't mind if I don't get one! But can I give mine anyway?'

Sasaki smiles brightly, feeling the warmth in his heart at the gesture. 'Of course you can. Who did you have?'

'Saiko-chan.' Mutsuki smiles shyly and holds the gift out to the girl beside him who looks startled at the gesture and stares at the gift for a long moment before carefully taking it.

'Thank you!' For once her sharp tongue is silenced and she looks honestly surprised and pleased, examining the rectangular package before carefully peeling off the wrapping. Sasaki can't see what it is she's holding but he _can_ see the way her eyes widen and her whole face lights up. 'Mutsuki! How did you—?'

'You mentioned once that you really wanted this game.' Mutsuki smiles bashfully. 'But that the pre-orders had closed and you were going to have to wait. But I found a way, so... merry Christmas?'

Saiko squeaks and flings her arms around Mutsuki's neck. 'You're amazing, I don't know how you did it but you're _amazing_! Thank you so much I totally never would have guessed!'

The two boys standing off to one side look awkward, shifting position idly. Sasaki notices the two of them sharing a glance, then glancing at the other two as Saiko excitedly points out some of the game's features on the back of the box to Mutsuki while the latter nods attentively. Shirazu straightens up a bit and clears his throat but before he can speak Saiko turns abruptly to them.

'I brought a gift too.' she says suddenly, hurrying away from them to the room she'd been sharing with Mutsuki and returning moments later with a cylindrical package wrapped in neat silver and white paper. Without further ado she comes to a halt directly in front of Urie and shoves the package out to him. 'Here.'

'What?' he says stiffly, his hands held slightly out but not quite near the gift as if he's afraid it might be poisonous.

'I got you as my giftee, unfortunately.' Saiko holds the present closer to him and shakes it slightly to indicate he should take it as she smirks at him. 'It's lotion, to help remove that stick up your ass, now hurry up and take it.'

Shirazu snorts into his fist and Urie shoots him a venomous look. Sasaki wonders if he should intervene, but he decides not to when Urie takes the gift from Saiko and glances at her suspiciously as he tears at the wrapping paper. It isn't lotion after all, of course, but instead the cylindrical case houses a small digital music player with a slim, sleek design. Urie stares at it unblinking for a moment before turning it over and reading the specs on the back.

'You complained that yours was giving out. The buttons weren't working so well, recently, right?' Saiko drawls as she flops back onto the couch, still clutching her game. 'This one has more space on it too, so you can store more music or files or whatever. It's the same brand, the one you like.' she pops open her game case and pulls the instructional booklet out to leaf through. 'You're welcome, by the way.'

'Oi.' Shirazu nudges Urie in the ribs with his elbow and the investigator winces before looking over at her and muttering a quiet but sincere-sounding thanks.

The silence stretches on a little and Sasaki clears his throat, assuming that will be the extent of the gift exchanging and honestly not all that surprised. 'Alright well, if that's all we have—'

'Wait.' Urie interrupts him although Shirazu's looking just as uncomfortable as he is, both of them seeming to actually shift a little closer in that shared discomfort. 'I brought a gift along too.'

'Really?' Sasaki blurts out before realising how rude that is and feeling horrified at his own words as a blush of shame creeps over his face. 'I mean—that's great, Urie! Go ahead and give it, if you want. You'd have...' he thinks quickly and feels a sinking sort of sensation in his stomach as he prepares himself for another problem. '...you have Shirazu, right?' after all, he and Mutsuki are the only ones left and if Mutsuki was the giftee then Shirazu would have been gifting himself.

'Yes.' Urie says through gritted teeth, walking away from the group to fetch something from his room.

'Seriously?' Shirazu watches him go, gaping when the other returns with a gift in hand. ' _Seriously_?'

Urie stops a few paces short of Shirazu and thrusts the gift out at him. 'Here.'

Shirazu takes it as if he might be handling a bomb. The tissue paper it's wrapped in is black, tied with silver string and the package itself is soft in his hands. He tugs at the knot before giving up on it and simply pulling the string off from around the package without untying it, peeling back the layers to reveal...

'Yoooo.' Shirazu drops the wrapping and holds up the shirt. It's black, with a wild, colourful design across the front. Nonsensical words in different fonts are splashed pointlessly but artistically across the design, adding to the boldness of it. 'Hey, man. This is _really_ cool, where did you even _find_ this? When did you even _buy_ it?'

'I saw it and thought it was hideous so I immediately realised you would love it.' Urie deadpans. 'I wasn't even going to give it to you if I was the only one who'd actually bothered to get something, but I really didn't need to look like the only asshole without a gift if they had. Lucky me.'

If Shirazu understands the jab at his taste he doesn't rise to the bait. Instead he just examines the shirt more closely and holds it against his torso to measure the size, looking satisfied when he realises it'll fit. Sasaki, who has been watching the two carefully the whole time, prepared to step in if tempers flare, is pleased to see that it doesn't look like things are going to go that way. In fact, dare he say it, if the team-building activities they did together hadn't improved things, then perhaps this simple act of exchanging presents had.

'Oh!' Shirazu looks startled, looking up so suddenly at Mutsuki that the latter looks visibly worried. 'Hey, it's my turn!' He has a moment of visible distress before he looks from Mutsuki to Sasaki. 'Hey, can I give my gift in private?'

Urie scoffs and Saiko looks immediately interested. Sasaki looks helplessly from Shirazu to the other two. 'Well, I mean I think I'd prefer if you gave it here. You didn't get anything inappropriate, did you?' Mutsuki was the most reserved out of all of them and if Shirazu had gotten him something lewd as a joke he thought the boy might die of shame.

But Shirazu shakes his head, mumbling to himself as he goes to fetch his own gift, wrapped in tissue paper much in the way Urie's gift had been although the ribbon is red and the paper is a deep green colour. He holds it out at arms' length to Mutsuki and clear his throat nervously. 'Uh, here.'

The gift is taken with a soft thanks by Mutsuki, that little nervous trembling smile that's ever present on the young man's face strengthening a little as he plucks at the ribbon, letting it drop to the floor as he peels back layers of paper. Inside the package, he finds...

'A shirt?' Saiko looks disappointed as she leans over Mutsuki's shoulder. 'It's just a black shirt. It doesn't even have a print on it, how _boring_ , Shirazu.'

Sasaki is surprised by the look on Mutsuki's face. The shy, quiet young man is staring at the folded shirt in his hands as if it's the most wonderful thing in the world. His fingers clutch the folded garment tightly and he looks up suddenly with a starry-eyed kind of joy that pins Shirazu to the spot and makes the others suddenly pay attention a little more closely.

'Shirazu, you—!' Mutsuki swallows thickly and clutches the shirt to his chest. 'You... y-you...' Sasaki sees with rising alarm that there are tears welling up in the boy's eyes and he isn't sure what to do because he's not sure what's going on.

'You said you didn't have, you know, a really _good shirt_.' Shirazu's face is more red than Sasaki has ever seen it and when he makes patting motions on his own chest with his hands the investigator suddenly realises the importance of the piece of clothing clutched in Mutsuki's hands. 'I went on the internet. I read all the reviews, and... and this one is the best one, I think? Really good... really good elastic and shit, like...' he's fumbling, stammering, but apparently determined to get it out. 'You don't need to wear anything underneath, it has like, strips sewn into the front and... and—'

He's cut off when Mutsuki flings his arms around Shirazu's neck in a show of unbridled affection which makes Urie roll his eyes and makes Saiko utter a genuinely pleased 'aww'. Sasaki feels a surge of pride for Shirazu, who has without a doubt picked the most thoughtful and personal gift out of all of them, one that Mutsuki is very obviously in love with.

'Well done, Shirazu.' he says softly under his breath with a smile as the other stammers and gives a token struggle beneath Mutsuki's grateful hug. Straightening up, he raises his voice enough to be heard, addressing the group. 'Feel free to spend the rest of the day doing whatever else you guys want to do. It's the one here, after all. Enjoy it, tomorrow we'll be going back to work.'

Mutsuki steps closer to him and smiles, wiping at his teary eyes with his sleeve before he holds something out to him. 'First... thank you, Sasaki. Thanks for... this. For all this. For being there for us even though we can be a bit unmanageable at times.'

Sasaki looks down at the offering, a small gift in brightly coloured paper. Taking it reverently he smiles at Mutsuki, feeling his heart warm. 'Thank you, you didn't have to—'

'Oi, Sassan.' Shirazu forces something into Sasaki's hands too; another gift, a little less neatly wrapped but no less personal. 'You work really hard. I don't know how you do it, man, but you do... you put up with a lot of shit from upper management too.' he shakes his head. 'Rather you than me, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a bit of recognition every now and again.'

Sasaki blinks at the second gift, a little overwhelmed. He hadn't expected gifts at all, and to receive these two with kinder words than he would have expected from any of them was making his heart hurt in the best possible way. But the straw that breaks the camel's back is when Urie and Saiko step forward too and produce two more gifts of their own, holding them out to him. Urie refuses to make eye contact and Saiko is smiling warmly, winking at him as he takes the gifts from them.

'Thank you.' she says simply.

Sasaki can't find his voice. It feels as if there's a lump in his throat, stopping him from speaking, nearly stopping him from breathing. The members of his squad looking at him in silent admiration and it overwhelms him... he suddenly realises there are hot tears rolling down his cheeks and he can't even wipe his eyes because he's got an armful of gifts.

'I... I'm...' he chokes, clutching the gifts tighter to his chest and Mutsuki leans in to give him a hug. Shirazu is grinning that pointed-toothed grin of his and does the same, wrapping his long arms around the both of them. Saiko wriggles in beneath the hug too and while Urie doesn't join them, standing aside with his arms crossed over his chest he certainly looks somewhat less sour than normal. 'Y-You guys...'

'Thanks, Sassan.' Shirazu's voice is muffled against Sasaki's shoulder and he holds on a moment longer before he pulls back. He gently takes he gifts from Sasaki to free up the investigator's hands and the other quickly wipes at his face with his sleeves. The action, combined with the overwhelming emotion that washes over him wrenches a sob from his throat and before he knows it he's openly crying in front of the others, sobbing into his hands and embarrassed but too emotional to care enough to withdraw somewhere private. Mutsuki continues to hold him as his shoulders heave with quiet sobs and for a long while no one says anything.

'Love ya, dude.' Shirazu nudges Sasaki's shoulder with a closed fist. 'I'll try getting along better with everyone from now on, okay?'

'Me too.' Mutsuki promises, and Saiko nods in agreement before looking pointedly over at Urie.

'You're not so bad.' Urie says quietly, and there isn't an ounce of sarcasm in his tone.

It only makes Sasaki cry harder.


	6. Parting Words

They had spent the rest of the day together; even Saiko had come along when they had walked up to the lodge for lunch. Their last day at the resort, and all of them had agreed it would be nice to spend it as a group, first out in the snow, then in the lodge for a meal, then back in their cabin in front of the fire, just... talking.

Sasaki had opened his gifts; a new stationery set from Mutsuki with personalised initials on it and an expensive black pen from Urie with his name engraved. The two had looked at one another, surprised, which had told Sasaki that as perfectly matched as it was it had been unplanned. Saiko had gotten him a puzzle box. It was a maze within a clear cube with tiny little balls rolling around inside it and the point is to carefully try to manoeuvre the little balls to their respective goals by tilting the cube around in your hands. It's to teach patience, she had told him with another smile and he couldn't help but laugh. Mutsuki had bought him a tie pin with matching cuff-links. Because he had never seen Sasaki with any fine little accessories yet and really wanted him to have something nice, he'd said.

That night, Sasaki had felt closer to his group than he ever had. He had expected the final night to finish without fanfare _or_ gift-giving... he'd fully prepared himself for everyone to relapse back into their state of not really speaking to one another and he had instead been pleasantly surprised by what he had gotten in place of that. He had been fully prepared to retreat to Tsukiyama's cabin, to linger in the man's arms for one more night as he lamented his uncooperative children, and instead the warmth within his own cabin refused to let him go.

Now in the harsh light of day he looks around, mourning the fact that today they're catching the shuttle bus back into town and that their little holiday is over for the time being. Just when they had been getting on so well together as well, he thinks to himself. He wonders if the hectic activity of the city will make them regress to what they had before and hopes desperately that this isn't the case because he feels like everyone has put in so much effort to overcome their discomfort with one another.

From the table he carefully picks up the borrowed book; Manuel Puig's _Kiss of the Spider Woman_... unfinished, but so close to the ending. And now it's their final day. He'll have to finish the book another time, and a pang of regret flutters through his stomach.

'I'll be right back.' he tells the others, who look at him with surprise but don't question him as he heads off out of the cabin and swiftly legs it up the slope towards the luxe cabin he had gotten to know the interior of a little better than perhaps he should have.

His knocking doesn't yield any response. 'Tsukiyama!' he calls out, then moves around to one of the windows, cupping his hands around his face to try and peer inside. The fire is dead in the hearth and the room looks cold and empty. He looks around, checking a couple more windows to no avail and his heart sinks. 'Shuu? Are you in?'

No answer.

He pulls back from the cabin and hurries back on the path, climbing higher up towards the lodge, towards the common room with its comfortable chairs and delicious coffee and Tsukiyama's charming smile.

By the time he makes it up there he's a little winded from his pace and probably looks a little wild-eyed as he dashes into the common room, looking back and forth between all the tables and chairs. There's no sign of the familiar red coat on any of the coat hooks, of the impeccably combed hair amongst the families and couples. There's no sign of that smile on lips that whispered Sasaki's name against his neck. Sasaki swallows hard, his knuckles whitening as his grip tightens on the book in his hands.

His last stop is the main office where a young lady comes to serve him as he rings the bell.

'Excuse me,' he says quickly, his heart hammering in his chest not only from his constant running back and forth but also from the way his stomach is twisting into knots as he asks the question he dreads the answer to. 'Has a guest by the name of Tsukiyama Shuu checked out already?'

The young lady blinks at his obvious distress and looks down at her logbook, tracing down the list of names with an impeccably manicured finger. 'Oh! Yes, in fact he left first thing this morning. Are you an acquaintance?'

The knots in Sasaki's stomach untangle in an instant and leave him with a hollow feeling instead. He stares at the logbook and sees the careful print of Tsukiyama's name on the page and the time of his departure. 'I... yes... I mean not really... I had something I had to return to him.'

'Oh, are you Sasaki Haise?'

He looks up quickly at the sound of his name, his heart giving another traitorous stutter. 'Yes?'

'There's a note here.' she taps the line beside Tsukiyama's name. 'Mentioning you. He's left something for you. I'll go fetch it.' with that she slips away leaving Sasaki wondering what on earth he might expect to receive, returning moments later with a plain envelope with Sasaki's name on it. 'They would have given it to you on checkout anyway, you might as well take it now.' she slides the envelope across the counter and he takes it quietly.

'Thank you.' he says softly and steps away, leaning against the wall to open the envelope and read its contents.

 

_Dearest Haise,_

_I apologise for not giving you the chance to say goodbye. I greatly dislike goodbyes, especially when it comes to the people I have grown extraordinarily fond of. I told myself a long time ago that I would never again say goodbye to anyone I wanted to pull closer, instead I will only say 'see you later'._

_There is something wonderfully poignant about leaving things open-ended, don't you think? And yet I can't bear to let you leave your reading of Puig's novel open-ended. I doubt you've quite reached the end yet and I'd love for you to see it through all the way, so look after it well. Perhaps when we cross paths in Tokyo you can tell me what you thought of it and finally return it to me. Personally, I would wish for an ending a little different... but I won't spoil anything for you._

_Tokyo is a big city but it's still_ just _one city. I have no doubt we'll see each other again, and I look forward to it more than you know. However until that happens by chance, continue to grow closer with your unruly children so that when we meet next you won't have a single complaint about their behaviour._

_I would like that, if only so I know then that you are truly happy._

_Thank you for showing me your smile. I'm glad I got to be your world even if it was just for an evening, just so you could forget the person you are supposed to be._

_Until the next time you need to forget._

_Yours truly,_

— _Tsukiyama Shuu_

 

As Sasaki traces his fingertip beneath the curling loops of Tsukiyama's signature he can't help but smile although he feels his eyes water with rising emotion. He should have expected this, he thinks idly to himself. The man is drama personified, of course they wouldn't simply shake hands and part ways. Of _course_.

But the promise to see him again is there in writing. As he carefully folds the letter back into the envelope, tucking it into the front cover of the book that is now his—at least for the time being—Sasaki turns back to the downward slope to where Urie is calling out to him that the shuttle bus has arrived and thinks that he can perhaps finally forgive the black void that sits in his mind where twenty years of memories should be, as long as he has these precious people to make new memories with.


End file.
